Forgiveness in any interpersonal relationship is key
Authors Douglas Kelley and Vincent R. Waldron shed some light and life experience on dating and marriage
By Brent Whiting
Editor-at-Large,
The VOICE
Two researchers, during an appearance at Glendale Community College, managed to put a new spin on this old maxim: "To err is human, to forgive divine."
Some issues, such as serious abuse, may not be necessarily forgivable, according to Douglas Kelley and Vincent Waldron, communications professors at Arizona State University at the West Campus.
Forgiveness can repair broken relationships, but it's something that must be practiced with skill in order to be effective, Kelley said during an address March 25 to nearly 200 students and faculty members who gathered at the Student Union at GCC.
"Forgiveness is not forgetting," Kelley said.
In addition, it's not excusing or tolerating the misbehavior of those who have stepped out of line and then letting them off the hook, but people who truly forgive others "don't keep resurfacing stuff over and over and over again," Kelly said.
Waldron also was present as Kelley offered the 75-minute address. Earlier, Waldron said that for anybody who has been hurt in a relationship, forgiveness is a possible option that definitely needs to be explored.
"It may open the door for reconciliation," Waldron said. Kelley and Waldron have co-authored a 2007 book, Communicating Forgiveness, which explores the forgiveness process. This year, another book was published, Marriage at Midlife: Counseling Strategies and Analytical Tools. Kelley told the GCC audience that he and Waldron practice what they preach.
"We have been doing research together for a lot of years. We've forgiven each other," Kelley said, drawing laughter from members of the crowd.
Two students, Gina Mobley, who attends GCC, and Erika Martinez, who is enrolled at ASU West, said they appreciated the words that Kelley offered.
"I actually found it immensely relevant," Mobley said. "It was information that everybody can use. I wrote down a lot of notes."
Martinez described Kelley as a "captivating" speaker, saying that he "really enlightens us about what he is talking about."
Kelley told the audience the forgiveness book was based upon 10 years of research and interviews with more than 50 couples who had been married for 30 to 80 years. The goal was to find out how forgiveness can make a marriage last, he said.
Kelley said that, typically, people who inquire about forgiveness, or want to come to grips with the process, will ask these questions: "What if they don't say they're sorry?" "What if you think it will happen again?" and, "What if I'm still hurt?"
He said the book offers five reasons to forgive: To repair a broken relationship, to restore individual well-being, to express continued love and commitment, to recognize conciliatory behavior and to restore justice and fairness in a relationship.
However, Kelley said the book argues it is important to get boundaries, because people who forgive too readily may end up maintaining a relationship at the price of continuing unhealthy patterns of behavior.
Kelley said the book also offers several forgiveness models, starting with the recognition of wrongdoing and developing communication skills such as listening.
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